Learning to Be Kind: How We Help Tamariki Express Big Feelings Safely
I’ve visited many early childhood centres, all over Aotearoa, reading with tamariki, chatting with kaiako in the play-spaces and while I have seen so much joy and patience in tamariki, I’ve also seen my fair share of big feelings and challenging behaviour. At Sugartree Lane Preschool we know hitting and biting happens. We’re committed to keeping everyone safe, and we’re also committed to helping children learn how to express their feelings rather than act them out physically.
Why children hit: the developmental picture…
Research shows that physical aggression (hitting, pushing, etc) with toddlers and preschoolers is very common, and in many cases a phase.
A longitudinal study found that physical aggression “peaks between the ages of 2 and 4 years, and then declines as the capacities for reasoning and self-regulation develop.”
The organisation Zero to Three says that aggressive behaviour in toddlers “usually peaks around age two … toddlers have very strong feelings but are not yet able to use language effectively to express themselves.” ZERO TO THREE
In my visits around New Zealand centres, I’ve seen the pattern: a little child, frustrated, unable to get the words, pushes or hits because it’s their fastest way to express “I’m not happy”. It doesn’t mean they are “bad” or intentionally hurtful. It means they’re learning.
What’s going on behind the scenes?
Limited language: A child may want something, or be feeling anger, confusion, jealousy but just doesn’t yet have the words.
Research bears this out: toddlers often hit because they can’t express the need or feeling.Impulse control still developing: The brain circuits for self-regulation, waiting, thinking “what will happen if I push”… these are still coming online.
Emotional overwhelm or strong feelings: A child might hit when tired, hungry, in transition, or when a peer takes their toy. These triggers are well documented.
Medical News Today+1Social learning and modelling: Children watch how others behave, and can imitate aggression if it seems effective or allowed.
(Although hitting isn’t always modelled directly, the principle of behaviour learned through observing holds.)Peer environment: In a busy centre with many children, conflicting desires, limited turn-taking and shared space, hit episodes are not surprising.
So: yes, it’s developmentally typical, especially in the younger age-group.
That doesn’t mean we ignore it. It means we respond thoughtfully.
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Our approach: 0-3 years
When we’re caring for our youngest tamariki (birth to 3 years), the hitting (or other physical ‘lash-out’) requires very immediate, warm-and-firm response.
What we do:
Supervision and anticipation: In the 0-3 room (The Huhu Room) we know that a child’s frustration, or feeling “stuck” without words, may lead to a hit. We try to see the build-up: a peer grabbing, a toy snatched, a transition about to happen. We step in early.
Verbalising the feeling + boundary: We say something like, “I see you’re upset you can’t have the truck. It’s okay to feel upset. But we don’t hit our friends. Let’s find another truck or ask for help.” This aligns with research: telling children what they can do is more effective than simply “Don’t hit”. Medical News Today+1
Calm removal and redirection: If the child has hit, we step in (safely), intervene, remove from the situation if needed (not punish-separate for long, just to calm), then redirect into a calming activity or supportive interaction. Zero to Three suggest that when a toddler is very angry, stopping first, then teaching. ZERO TO THREE
Teaching gentle touch, modelling, coaching: For example, we might gently guide the child’s hand and say, “Touch gently — like this,” showing the correct behaviour. ParentData survey of toddler hitting highlights the value of showing “what to do” rather than only what not to do. ParentData by Emily Oster
Reflection and connection: After the child is calm, we might say, “You were so angry your friend took the block. Next time you can say ‘mine’ or call the kaiako. I’m here.” This helps build emotional awareness.
Family-centre communication: We let you know: “Today in play you noticed the truck was taken and there was a hit. We intervened, supported redirecting and asked for help. At home you might say: ‘I saw you get frustrated, let’s practice gentle touches when you feel upset.’”
Environment-adjustment: Perhaps noticing that hits often happen just before nap or when children are crowded – so we adjust the routine, ensure calming transitions, provide choices, keep frustration lower.
Why this matters:
By responding with warmth + clear boundary, we show the child that their feeling is valid (“I see you’re upset”), but the behaviour (hitting) is not acceptable. Over time children learn: “When I feel angry this way, I can ask or use words or seek help, not hit.”
Message to you, the parent of a 0-3 child:
Please know: you’re not doing anything wrong, and your child is not “bad” because they hit. At home you can tautoko by anticipating the triggers (tiredness, hunger, transitions), giving your child words for feelings (“You’re frustrated”), modelling gentle touch, celebrating when they choose words or ask for help instead of hitting. If you ever feel overwhelmed, talk to us, we’ll work together and may bring additional supports.
Our approach: 3-5 years
As children move into the 3-5 year age-group, more complex social interactions happen: peer friendships, negotiation, taking turns, conflict, strong opinions.
Hitting can still appear, but how we respond changes with their developing capacities.
What we see in centres: I’ve observed in many NZ centres: children aged 4 or 5 will still hit when they feel overwhelmed, jealous, frustrated, or socially excluded. But they increasingly understand language, they can hear “That hurts,” “Use gentle hands,” and they’re developing empathy.
What we do at Sugartree Lane for 3-5s:
Clear behavioural expectations: We help children understand that hitting is not acceptable. We say: “When you’re angry, you may use the words: ‘I’m upset’ or ask a teacher. You may not hit.”
Emotional coaching: We engage the children in naming feelings, recognising social cues (“I see Jamie is disappointed he didn’t get the block”), practicing phrases (“I’m upset you took my toy without asking”), and role-playing gentle hands.
Team and environment adaptations: If we notice patterns (child always hits at transitions, or when certain peers are present) we review our schedule, space, ratios, resources, ensure children have outlets for strong energy, and provide calming corners.
Partnering with families: For 3-5s, we regularly update you: “Over the last week Marco has been having two incidents of hitting during outdoor play. We are practising gentle-hands, giving him choices of what to do when he feels upset, and we suggest at home you might try a feelings chart or a cue like ‘what will your hands do now?’”
Message to you, the parent of a 3-5 child:
If your child is hitting, you’re not alone, we see it, we monitor it, we intervene. At home you might help by keeping the language simple: “Hitting hurts. We use kind hands.” Celebrate when they resolve conflict with words or ask for help. Anticipate triggers (large group noise, transitions, tiredness) and provide downtime or choice. And communicate with us: together we’ll notice patterns and adjust. If the hitting persists despite consistent efforts and is frequent and aggressive, we’ll discuss whether additional support or referral might be useful (which research also advises when hitting is severe, persistent or accompanied by other worrying signs).
At Sugartree Lane we want every child to feel safe, seen, and supported. We will not tolerate bullying or ongoing aggression. If we notice a child repeatedly hitting or a peer being repeatedly hurt, we escalate: we consult, we document, we partner with you, we may involve external support.
But equally: for a child who hit once or a few times, we view that as a learning opportunity, not a “bad child” label. We will guide, reteach, redirect, repair and restore.
You might worry: What if my child gets hurt? We want you to know: we supervise actively, we intervene early, we adjust the environment, and we respond to every physical incident with care for both the child who was hurt and the child who did the hitting.
You might worry: What if my child is the one doing the hitting and I feel embarrassed or upset? We honour your courage in this. We want you to feel supported, not judged. Together we’ll explore triggers, support your child’s emotional learning, communicate strategies between centre and home, and celebrate positive change.
Tips for home-and-community partnership
Here are some strategies that align with research and with our centre practice. Use what works for you and let us know how it’s going.
Anticipate and prevent: Notice when your child’s hitting is more likely (tired, hungry, new environment, transitions). Pre-empt by offering choices, quiet time, calm language. ZERO TO THREE+1
Use positive language: Rather than “Don’t hit,” say “Use gentle hands” or “We show we care by touching softly.” Research supports this positive framing. Medical News Today+1
Name feelings: “I see you’re frustrated that you can’t have the toy.” Giving the feeling a name helps your child feel understood and reduces the need to express it physically. Medical News Today
Model gentle hands: Your child watches you. When you demonstrate kindness, calm touch, asking for help, you model what you want them to do.
Follow through with boundaries: If a hit happens: intervene immediately, say simply “Hitting hurts. We use gentle hands,” remove them from the situation if needed, help them calm, then guide what they can do instead. Research indicates that immediate, consistent responses are more effective than delayed or inconsistent ones. Medical News Today
Celebrate and reinforce good behaviour: Notice when your child uses words, requests help, plays nicely, shares, uses gentle hands — say so! This reinforces the positive.
Keep communication open with us: Let us know what you’re seeing at home, triggers, what strategies you’re trying. We will share what we’re seeing at the centre. Consistency between home and centre matters.
Seek additional support if needed: If hitting is frequent, severe, seems intentional, or comes with other worrying signs (sleep/eating issues, withdrawal, escalating aggression), it may be time for specialist support. Research notes that occasional hitting is typical, but persistent aggression beyond typical developmental age might signal other concerns. Psychology Today+1
All this to say…
I’ve visited many centres, and time and again I see this: our tamariki are learning about themselves, their feelings, their friends, their bodies, and their words. At Sugartree Lane, you can be confident: we take every incident seriously, we intervene, we teach, we model, we partner with you, and we hold high our standard: everyone deserves safe, respectful play. And for you, whether your child was on the receiving or the giving end of a hit, thank you for trusting us, for caring, for staying curious. You’re helping your child build lifelong social and emotional skills.
Because what we’re really doing isn’t just stopping the hit. It’s building a child who knows how to ask for help, name their feelings, use gentle hands, respect others, and feel respected in return.
